Sunday, January 10, 2010

I need a pep talk

My ear hurts even more today and I can't hear very well out of it. I took Emma June to a kid party this morning and was having a hard time hearing what people on my right side were saying - or well, I could hear them but it sounded like they were in a tunnel and the ambient noise was making it harder to discern what was being said. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. Again. I need my own reserved parking spot there in the winter.

I had planned to go out and see my horse today but I just wasn't feeling up to driving all the way out there. So, that was disappointing. And I just don't have much energy to do other stuff that needs to get done around the house. And in general, I am in a funk today. I've found myself thinking "Is this the way it's going to be for the rest of my life? Having no more than two or three weeks through the whole fall, winter and spring where I'm not sick and even those weeks aren't consecutive?" I could go off of my immune-suppressant drugs and maybe I wouldn't get sick so much, but then I would be crippled by the rheumatoid arthritis. Not much of a trade-off. I even had a brief moment where I thought, "Terrell is so lucky she is no longer burdened by a chronically sick physical body." Then I thought even thinking like that at all was a little too close to suicidal thoughts and sent that though process away.

In general, I cope with life and this decrepit little body by thinking "Tomorrow will be better. I'll feel better tomorrow." And sometimes I do feel better and I totally embrace that. And I focus on things that make me happy to take my mind off of always being physically uncomfortable and/or in pain. But sometimes I really stumble in my positive thinking and it's hard not to let that snowball into total self-pity. But I don't want to go there because it doesn't do anyone any good and it's a waste of time, energy and life. Still, I'm having a tough time right now accepting living in a body that just doesn't work very well.

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