Christmas kitten really likes to snuggle up right under my chin, which is sweet, but after a little while makes me feel a little asphyxiated as she is basically lying on my windpipe. It's very sweet but quite possibly deadly.
I'm feeling much better today after dragging my sorry butt back to the doctor yesterday. I explained that I had been having trouble with my ears itching for many months and had been in to see my regular doctor (who was out that day so I saw her partner) and she'd not seen any problems and gave me hydrocortisone drops which did nothing. Then I saw a naturopath who said she saw nothing and told me to quit eating wheat, dairy and sugar and stop drinking coffee and I'd be fine. That was useless because I refuse to do that. Ok, I would do any of those things if there were a conclusive test showing that my body was intolerant of any of those substances, but I refuse to jump on the "I can't eat wheat because it is evil" band wagon when for centuries people have eaten wheat and been fine (unless they have Celiac disease which is not *that* common that everyone has it). I am more concerned about not eating weird laboratory created foods filled with chemicals like say ... over half the stuff they sell at the grocery store.
Ooops. I have digressed. So, I explained this to the doctor and said I was at the end of my rope and now on top of it all I was not hearing well out of one ear and there was a lot of pain and pressure. He looked in my ears and said I had some sort of dermatitis that was causing the itching and gave me some ear drops. And he said I had wax forming a kind of thick barrier in the back of my ear that was causing the problem. So, all that discomfort and loss of hearing was caused by ear wax. How anti-climactic. But also a big relief. So, they flushed out my ear with some little water pick type thing and then picked at it with a big scary sharp thing and my hearing came back and the pressure and pain went away. The room also was spinning a lot but luckily that was short lived. So, I felt much much better and am enormously relieved to finally have this particular discomfort taken care of.
Lately, I've been feeling really in need of control. Intellectually I know it is because a close friend died last summer and I'm trying to cope with the lack of control of having a chronic illness. But it is still an uncomfortable feeling. The stuff that really help - being in nature, riding my horse, spending time working outside is still so elusive it is frustrating. I only got to see Girlfriend once last week and probably only once this week because it takes so long to drive out there and back and I'm busy with work and being a mom this week. But even getting out and cleaning the chicken coop yesterday made me feel better. Taking Willow for a walk makes me feel better. I just wish I could get out into nature more for my walks instead of walking down city streets. Once again, I'm trying to find contentment with where I am but the question keeps coming up, "Why continue living a lifestyle I don't want to be living?" The answer is, because my husband does not feel there is any other way we could live. I wish I could come up with an answer that would work for us. I still have not found a way for us to make a living while living out in the country that does not include him having to commute to work for an hour or more to get to downtown Seattle. I continue to try and come up with some way we could earn a living *in* the country without him commuting and just haven't found the answer yet. I wonder if I ever will find the answer? We agreed we'd move in 2011 but if next year comes and I still don't have a plan, I seriously doubt my husband is going to agree to move to a farm and have an hour-one-way at best commute every day. I wish I knew the answer. I know there is one, I just haven't figured it out yet.