I went out with the husband last night to see a band that I've liked since 1993 but have never seen live. Unfortunately, since I'm still tired from being sick with this sinus/ear infection I didn't stay for their full set. But we used a little better foresight and called to find out when they were going on and I took my knitting and the husband took his drawing pad. Plus, it wasn't so loud that I couldn't talk to random strangers between bands which I always enjoy.
The first band was the drummer's daughter's band and although they were incredibly cute little kids who were actually quite good, due to my ears still not being totally back to normal and a lingering sinus headache I couldn't handle loud Black Sabbath covers. I went outside to hide from the loudness and amused myself for awhile trying to send a text message to my friend Beth saying, "I'm hiding outside a bar ..." but that got frustrating because I'm old and it takes me forever to write out a text on my phone. I saw Mike, who is in the headlining band and who used to work at Adagio, a cafe where I hung out hundreds of years ago (ok, seventeen years ago). We said hello and then next thing I knew we had whipped out our cell phones and were showing each other photos of our kids. That was pretty cool.
Much later that evening as I was getting ready for bed I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and had this weird moment where I felt like I was a kid seeing myself as a grown-up and for a split-second I felt that shock of "This is what I look like middle-aged" and I suddenly realized that I am exactly who I had hoped I would be when I grew up. I had my doubts and there were times that I truly believed I would never be the person I wanted to be, but somehow I've pulled it off (after lots and lots of efforts by the way).
Despite that revelation I was still kind of a neurotic mess this morning. This was the first day I've had to drive downtown by myself after last weekend's horrible ear-infection/vertigo-from-hell episode and I was still feeling traumatized and scared of it hitting me again. Logically, I know that the fluid has drained out of my ears and I'm fine and I would have plenty of warning if the inflammation were to mysteriously come back in my ears (despite that my cold is gone) so I could pull over before crashing my car because I'd lost all sense of up and down. But emotionally, I wasn't doing very well getting rid of those fears. So, I may be who I want to be, but I'm still kind of a mess. Oh well.
Being at work really cheered me up though because it got my mind back on something far more important than my post-trauma fears. My boss explained to me today what alpha, beta and gamma particles are in a nutshell and that made me realize that I want to get back to my study of physics. When my daughter was first born I had some cd's and a dvd on basic quantum mechanics and calculus that I was learning. And my friend forwarded some lectures to me from MIT on physics. I need to get back into that.
We're still waiting to hear if the bank will accept our offer on Woodinville house. Sigh. They have until September 1st to let us know so we may be waiting a long time.