Today is the anniversary of my birth =gulp= forty-four years ago. I admit I find that number a bit disturbing. Not because I don't like being old ... or at least "middle-aged". I do like it to be honest, because I feel like I'm finally to a place where I can be exactly who I want to be and I don't have to worry about fitting into a "scene" or finding my place in the world. I am secure in that what I like is fine and what I want to do is fine. It is "cool" because I think it is. I don't need externals telling me who I should be, what I should have, or what I should want. Of course, with that comes the question "Where do I belong if I'm truly just me?" There is no "clique" or "label" for individual people being themselves. But in the long run that is good - that is how I have always aspired to be.
My problem with the number is my fear that I will one day be stuck in this world in a broken down body. As it is, no matter what age I am, I have had that fear come up a lot ever since my diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis a few years ago and the threat of "without treatment you will be crippled". It was also compounded by watching my friend, Terrell die a very uncomfortable death from brain/spinal tumors just under two years ago.
That fear comes out in reoccurring nightmares that I need to be somewhere and I can't walk because my legs won't move well and hurt so much. I have those dreams a minimum of three times a week. Although, night before last I had that dream and I realized I was dreaming and if I focused on controlling the dream, I could walk again.
The day that Terrell died I was so upset that I couldn't be around anyone so I went out and rode my horse. Every time up to that day since I got my crazy-hot retired rodeo race horse, I had been afraid I would fall off, but that day the fear went away and it felt like when Terrell died she left me some courage to follow my adventuresome spirit (that I had been trying to squash down because of fear). She also left me a beautiful bracelet to remember her by (not that I need anything to remember her!) but I also feel like she left me some courage too. Which is why since then I've been taking up all sorts of new hobbies like kayaking and rock climbing and I've been pushing myself a lot harder learning how to ride horses and have decided to jump again. That's why this is one of my favorite songs. Despite all the teasing I get from my friends that it's "young country".
Another part of getting older that I find interesting. The guys I think are "cute" are all my age now. My current celebrity crushes are Ralph Fiennes, Tim McGraw and Alexi Murdoch - with the latter being the youngest at 38 years old. Yes, in order to be cute to me now you have to be over thirty. I guess that's good. Better than you're only cute if you're *under* thirty! Of course I'm also very lucky that my husband just looks better and better as he gets older. I don't know how he does it. And I wish he could see it!