Friday, October 7, 2011

And So It Ends ...

Apparently, the long-running virus Subacute Thyroiditis has finally passed.  I no longer look like I have ping pong balls in my throat and the horrible pain is gone and some of the weirder of the hyperthyroid symptoms are gone - in fact my last blood test showed that my thyroid levels had gone down to normal.  Although unfortunately they're going to go down even more for awhile to below normal now.  I am relieved but I am also feeling really cranky.  Part of it appears to be because I was starting to get used to eating constantly and still losing weight.  Carbs and breadish stuff is very comforting to me and since I have very few vices (I'd say coffee and gossip are about my only ones these days) I fall into the comfort-food trap sometimes.  I admit I don't miss the constant on-edge feeling like my adrenals were always in high gear and that weird feeling that my heart was going to beat right of my chest.  And the insomnia.

Speaking of vices, I will never give up coffee but I suppose I should give up gossip.  Yesterday I was extremely stressed out about some stuff going on in my life and I was at the stable sitting and talking to Trainer K. who was smoking a cigarette and for the first time in many, many years it actually smelled good.  I mentioned that and she said, "Oh my god! Go home now and do yoga or something!" and moved the cigarette further away from me.  I'm not going to take up smoking again because it does nothing for you, it horrible for you and I'm politically opposed to the evils that are the tobacco industry.  And for years after being pregnant the smell of cigarette smoke made me feel sick.  So, it was very bizarre that I felt like smoking yesterday except that one really can't discount what a lot of stress will make one want to do.

Everything I'm stressed about will work out as long as I keep taking the high road and doing my best but old patterns still crop up where I want to control all outcomes.  For one thing I'm stressing about the expense of owning two horses.  I'm pretty sure Girlfriend's Little Mama doesn't read this journal so I can write about this.  I emailed her mom about how I'm considering offering them a full-care lease with Girl to take some of the financial stress off me, especially because now that I'm riding Toadie I don't want poor Girl to not get the riding and attention she needs.  The stipulation of course is she *has* to stay at my barn.  I couldn't bear to not actually have her anymore.  I'm not sure though because I'm not sure I want to give up *that* much of my ownership with her.  In a full lease I would not ever get to have a day that is *my* day with her without asking her Little Mama. 

I actually did start a new part-time job but I am dubious if I will make any money at it.  My good friend is an agent in the entertainment industry and I'm attempting to be a "sales associate" for her, as in getting bookings for her clients.  It is so wildly outside of my area of expertise it is weird. I'm used to going into work and being the expert in what I'm doing and doing my work all by myself until my boss comes and asks my advice on something or asks me to explain what's going on with the finances.  With this whole sales associate thing I have no idea what I'm doing.  Today I did practice phone calls with my friend to call places and pitch her clients.  I did better than I thought but it was disorienting being so new at something and I had to admit that it's not comfortable for me to be the new girl who's making all sorts of mistakes and asking if I'm doing ok - as opposed to the business owner or expert who nobody at the office understands what I'm doing.  The highlight of the day though was when the practice phone calls started to devolve into things like my friend play-acting the potential gig: "Do you have anyone who's been on Mtv?" and me saying "What the fuck?" and my friend saying, "No really, I've been asked that before.  And "what the fuck" is not a professional response."  It is interesting though.  The only reason I am dubious is that the pay will be completely commission based and it may not end up making me a cent of money depending how awful I am at it.

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