Wednesday, October 19, 2011

One step closer to the edge

I've had this song stuck in my head for about a week now.  IH, my adopted teenager calls that band my "teenage music" band.  I think we all need a little teenage music once in awhile.

Life has been very stressful for the last week or so and I really haven't been sleeping much.  Trainer V. went off the deep end of high school behavior after I fired her so I'm looking at moving my horses somewhere else.  It is a very expensive endeavor and I'm not ready to stop using Trainer K. as a trainer because I'm very wary right now of anyone new because I don't want to have to repeat ending up with someone like Trainer V. who is actually a very good trainer and instructor, but will put a lot of energy into making one's life Hell if she doesn't get what she wants.  And I think I finally understand why she's so angry (besides a bruised ego) is that she had really wanted to buy Tuff Toad herself and I think what happened is that she had assumed she would be part owner in a way.  She referred to Tuff Toad as her horse and I think she viewed it more of a me sponsoring her by buying this horse than her training the horse for me to be my horse.  It's good I got out now.  But I can see why if she thought that how disappointing it would and how it probably felt like I was taking her horse away.  It doesn't make the fact that she refused to finish working this month and won't refund my money ok, or that she is engaged in a backstabbing campaign, but it does help me see where the passionate anger is coming from.  Still ... must find a place without that kind of high school dynamic.  Still, I hate to have to move my horses and it is stressful trying to find the right place I can afford and very, very scary for me to think of maybe having to use a new trainer. 

 My mantra is "It will work out the way it's supposed to - just keep breathing and keep an open mind to opportunities".  My prayer is "God, give me the strength to be the person you want me to be."  As opposed to the person I find myself wanting to be.  My friend wrote this article in Geekwire and it reminds me why I want to be the person God wants me to be instead of the person I feel like being - because it turns around and bites you in the ass!  Oh ... and it's not a nice way to be.  That too.  Sigh.

Thank goodness for my friends and family.  This weekend was by far the most stressful I've had in a long time (probably the most stressful since last January when we all came down with the stomach flu two days before we were supposed to move) but both Saturday and Sunday our family was out with friends and I made a point to not mention my horse drama at all and just enjoy myself and I did.  I love having friends and family who can take my mind off stuff like that and give me that well needed break to just have fun and enjoy the moment.  I also like that I have cats to sit on me and purr and help me relax.

Edit: Just got back from my lesson with Toadie. I really love working with Trainer K. and I left today's training/lesson session feeling like I had so much more information that my head was too tired to think anymore. I think I may have a little Thoroughbred in me myself because I hit a point during intensive learning where I feel like I've reached my capacity and everything is just going to shut off now. But it is good to have so much information and I had a point where I was practicing some of it while riding Toad where I suddenly remembered some stuff from back when I was a kid riding dressage at Evergreen Equestrian Stables and it's like that click where everything falls into place and I felt like "Oh yeah, this is how it feels to do it correctly - I remember this feeling!"

Today we were working on using the reins and fine tuning me so that I am using them absolutely correctly and helping fine tune Toad so she learns to listen to them correctly. For one thing, my hands are too close together. And in fact if I stopped looking at them (which you're not supposed to do) and thinking about it, they would drift back together. All my riding today was at a walk and I wasn't allowed to use my legs at all. Toad listens to me more with my leg since she's still not understanding the reins well yet so it took concetration not to use my leg at all. But once I got in the groove with things I felt like I was riding one of those super-mellow, dead-broke beginner horses. Toad was listening really well and walking very calmly and nicely and it was just super comfortable and relaxed. I couldn't believe that only two years ago she was a race horse at Emerald Downs. Now she is turning out to be such a good girl under saddle!

I had such a great training session/lesson that it is hard for me to imagine leaving that barn. One thing I AM in control of in big drama is how I react to it, not only externally but also internally. Now that the drunken text messages and the external stuff has stopped (hopefully for good), all that is left is hearing about stuff that is said behind my back and I'm wondering if I could just ignore that and not let it get to me and be ok? I off-handedly said today that maybe what would be more financially feasible and better for me as far as being at a place my horses are well cared for and I have a great trainer - is if I just went to therapy to learn how to be more detached from stuff like this and just stayed where I am.   Because really, who cares what is said behind my back? My friends won't listen to it and I don't really care what strangers think.  I may mull this for awhile.  The whole concept of not running away and just being strong and doing my thing and not worrying what others are doing.  Hmmm ... lofty goals there but still quite possible.

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