Sunday, April 21, 2013

Is a dream a lie if it don't come true - or it is something worse?

You know it's bad when I start quoting Springsteen.
I pride myself in my ability to just keep trudging along - I get knocked down and I get right back up, brush myself off and keep going because that's what you do.  But today I fell off the cliff and took a couple hours to get really, really, really (did I say really?) depressed.  Right now I'm in the "anger phase" but in a few minutes I'll probably go back to bed and cry my eyes out again.

Back in January of 2012 I quit my wonderful job for a non-profit in Pioneer Square because I foolishly thought I could get another part-time up by where I live and I didn't want to go all the way downtown anymore.  Well, apparently, that elusive part-time job does not exist. I've had four attempts at part-time jobs since then after exhaustive searches and all have ended badly.

Needless to say, it is not financially sustainable to have these hit and miss jobs that don't even remotely pay me what I'm worth and we've been blazing through our savings between of my horse costs and the added hospital bills (from falling off my horse) Today after being told I am being fired after just one day I just realized after almost 18 months of this crap I'm going to admit defeat and sell my horse.  I can't in good conscience keep spending down our savings when it's become pretty obvious that either I'm a terrible employee (which I have a resume and long list of references that say I'm not - so WTF?) or I'm cursed.  And I'll be honest, I don't have it in me any more to try.  I could send out a generic resume and cover letter but I think if I walked into a job interview right now all I'd be capable of doing is narrowing my eyes and saying, "And how are you going to fuck me over? Huh? Just get it out right now before you waste any more of my time!"

I'm trying to imagine my life without horses and I really can't.  Horses are my drug, my therapy, my sustenance and that "beer after a hard day's work".  Even my husband who would be happy to never see or hear about another horse said he doesn't want me to give up horses because he fears I would be miserable and awful to be around.  But I just can't afford to keep bouncing from crap part-time job to crap part-time job and spending down our savings account and having my self-esteem stomped even more with each failure.  This latest job lasted one day.  It was my supposedly my "dream job" and the woman hired me three weeks ago and said I could start last Friday.  Friday seemed to go OK and I thought I was the luckiest person in the world to have a job as a dressage trainer's assistant. Then I get a call this morning saying, "I just talked to my accountant and he thinks it is a bad idea to do a work/trade situation because you're not getting worker's comp.  And I can't afford to pay you so it's not going to work out."  WTF?  Couldn't you have figured that out three fucking weeks ago so I could've kept looking for a job???

I felt a little better this morning after listening to AC/DC in the car really loudly and screaming "Fuck you all!" at the top of my lungs (the joys of driving in rural areas so no one saw me doing that!).  Then I had a really good ride with Maiden and I thought, "No matter what crappy thing happens I can always come out and be with Maiden and she always makes me feel better!"  Then I realized that it's pretty hopeless that I'm going to be able to keep her and I started crying again and I had to rush to get out of the barn before I totally lost it.  I felt bad because a new girl had just moved her Friesan in yesterday and I passed her and she smiled brightly and said "hello" and I was trying so hard not to cry I just ducked my head and muttered "hi" and ran to my car where I started bawling my head off.  Oh well.   At this rate I won't be there that long for her to even care.  It seems like the whole circle of things is going the way it should.  I'm going to have to leave but Trainer K. has a new person for training to take my place and life will go on as it should.  It just really sucks right now.  I'm sure I'll find something to be obsessed with that I can afford eventually but right now I just feel like going to bed and never getting up again.  Or whatever it is people do when they have a nervous breakdown.


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