I was out walking the dogs in the woods this morning and thinking about stuff I need to do and life and such and suddenly it hit me "I'm never going to make any money at the massage thing or at this teaching riding lessons to little kids thing! We're going to go broke and I'm an idiot for even trying and what the heck am I doing? I need to go get an accounting job!"
It seemed like a very real and very logical light bulb moment until I realized I'd been fighting against that type of thinking for years and I needed to just tell that part of me to shut up. I've noticed that ultra-logical and unhappy "don't do what you enjoy because the only way to be a responsible adult is to be miserable at your job" thinking comes up whenever I hit a snag in the process. The latest one is that I went all the way to downtown Seattle last weekend for a continuing ed. class that cost $160 and I'm not going to get any credit for it. That's not to say that the 4.5 hours that I was there I didn't learn a lot of really cool new deep tissue techniques but since I didn't stay the full 8 hours I won't get any CE credits. Bah.
I wanted to stay the whole time but I went out to lunch at Boom Noodle in the U-Village and even though I was feeling fine the whole day up until then, an hour after lunch I was sitting on a massage table listening to a lecture and all the sudden I couldn't concentrate and all I wanted to do was lie down on the massage table. Then my stomach started having shooting pains and things started rumbling around in a disconcerting way in there. Then I jumped up and scurried off to the bathroom where I spent about fifteen minutes crunched up in pained ball expelling much unhappy badness. I felt a little better but figured I should pack in and go home so I excused myself and shuffled off to my car. I made it about a mile and had to pull over and use a gas station bathroom. Then I barely went another mile and had to stop again, then again not very far and had to pull over again. The third gas station bathroom there was nowhere to hang up my purse so I was crunched over holding onto my purse like a teddy bear and whimpering "This sucks! This isn't fair!" It is a long, unpleasant drive back to the boonies when you're not feeling well. Damn Boom Needles and their questionable bean sprouts!
Anyway, I'm not getting any CE credits because I didn't finish the class. Bah! That sucks! And is very frustrating. But I just found an aromatherapy course online that will fill my last required CE hours and isn't too expensive so I'm just going to do that then I can sign up to take my test to get my human massage license again. It's just so expensive! Sigh.
On a happier note, I went to pony camp to watch some bodywork on the ponies and it was very interesting. Ann Rogers came up to check everyone's posture and adjust them as needed and check how their saddles are fitting them. It was pretty cool to watch her and see how much she could see that I am only just beginning to see. She brought a really cool book for the camp director that I spent a long time looking at and I immediately ordered one when I got home.
Another good thing is I let my daughter skip school because her allergies have been awful (or she has a cold - hard to tell) and had been up sneezing and coughing a lot the night before. So, I told her she had to come with me and she brought some books to read while hanging out in the classroom. But she did come out and take a tour of the camp with me and I told her what she'll be doing when she comes with me for the preschool kids camp the first two weeks of summer. She'll be helping with arts/crafts and taking the little kids to the bathroom so I can stay in the classroom. She took it very seriously and seemed very excited about it. She enjoyed looking at the ponies but said she wasn't going to be riding any of them. But then Ann brought the director's husband's horse, Jesse, out to the arena to roll and my daughter squealed (quietly) "I love him! He's wonderful! I want to ride him!" which is funny because he's a draft cross and really big. Even for me he's really big. Probably 16 hands but unlike Maiden who is 15.3 and normal horse size Jesse has the enormous draft build with the huge feet almost as big as my head. But my daughter apparently likes the big horses. She also wants to ride Beetle who I rode once a few months ago and is really sweet. Not sure if she'll start riding again, but I'm glad she's getting more comfortable around horses again. She did say on the way home "I don't ride ponies any more because they're bratty but I'll ride big horses. I'd rather be up high anyway." Interesting.
Off to take care of my horse and do lots of studying for my equine massage course. I also need to finish the first rough draft of my novel before mid-July which is now only a month away. I'm going to have to get a lot more strict with myself about putting aside for fiction writing!